There are sure issues about myself that I’ve needed to come to grips with relating to intercourse, courting, and relationships. I’m not a “cool lady;” whereas I can get down with some informal coitus, I are likely to lean fairly closely towards monogamy; and I can completely be a whole and utter fuckboy at instances. But the most important a part of myself that I’ve come to simply accept — nay, embrace — is that I actually am a nightmare of an ex-girlfriend.
I’ve by no means understood individuals who may be pals with their exes. Every time a relationship ends, I am going scorched earth. I block the previous apple of my eye on each social platform. I put them in my cellphone as “DO NOT ANSWER IT’S THE ASSHOLE.” I delete each single one in every of our photographs collectively. You desire a lesson in erasing historical past? Check out my Instagram feed. Would you ever guess I’ve even met a person, not to mention dated a number of?
It’s not for lack of making an attempt. My most up-to-date ex, Jude*, needed to be pals as soon as we put the ultimate nail within the coffin that was holding our failed relationship. And I attempted. Honestly, I did. We even met for dinner and tried to trade pleasantries over tacos. But the dialog finally turned to the problems in our relationship — specifically, how we stopped having intercourse early on as a result of he was emotionally unavailable attributable to the truth that his ex got here again into his life. He finally cheated on me, inflicting me to loudly gown him down for an hour whereas he sat crying on his sofa. By the time our tacos got here, I needed to throw them in Jude’s face.
You’re most likely pondering, Of course you don’t wish to be his buddy, Maria! He cheated on you! You’re utterly proper. But the reality is, I really feel this indignant about most of my exes. And if I rewind the tape on this most up-to-date crash-and-burn episode, it factors to the true cause why I don’t wish to be buddy-buddy with these guys as soon as the connection goes out: When I’m in a relationship, I tend to disregard pink flags and let issues get to a poisonous place earlier than it lastly ends (on my phrases or theirs).
In a nutshell? I’ve a tough time letting go. One of my largest downfalls is my intense want to make different folks glad and to sort things. (Hey, I’m a Pisces.) So I have a tendency to hold on to relationships far past their expiration level. Jude and I hadn’t had intercourse in weeks earlier than he cheated, and it was as a result of he was hiding the truth that he’d been seeing his ex. But I caught round, pondering that I might change the state of affairs. My first boyfriend, Andrew*, slowly become a passive narcissist who blamed me for the whole lot. But I saved him round, pondering that he’d finally pull his shit collectively and be the great boyfriend he was once we first began courting.
Every time a relationship ends, I am going scorched earth.
This tendency to hold onto failing relationships is, so far as I can inform, the most important cause why I’ve a tough time transitioning into friendship post-breakup — and understanding when to chop ties is certainly one thing I’ve been engaged on. Jude was truly a step in the appropriate path. In the previous, I’d possible have saved courting him after he’d cheated on me. When I used to be youthful, I held on as a result of I didn’t wish to be alone. But now that I now not worry my single standing the way in which I worry grim loss of life, letting go has turn out to be simpler.
That mentioned, I’m not shifting the blame solely on myself — when somebody treats you as poorly as a few of my exes have, you don’t owe them friendship. I’m simply acknowledging my function within the dynamic in order that I can hopefully be taught from these conditions and develop. And who is aware of? Maybe if I had exited these relationships sooner, I nonetheless wouldn’t have needed to be pals with these folks.
If I’m being trustworthy with myself, I don’t suppose being pals with an ex will ever work for me. I do know that a number of persons are in a position to do that, and it sounds actually nice. But I simply can’t get snug with the thought of being 100% pals with somebody who’s been inside me (that’s an honor actually none of my different pals maintain). My friendships are very totally different from my romantic relationships; they arrive with much less emotional baggage and have a robust basis of belief and mutual respect (additionally there’s the half about not having been inside me). Like I mentioned, I’m okay with the truth that I’m a staunchly un-chill ex.
So, in the meanwhile, as soon as the mud from a breakup settles, you’ll discover me sitting in mattress watching Gossip Girl, consuming pizza straight from the field, deleting all photographic proof of my earlier relationship, and unfollowing my ex on social media. (I don’t actually need to see you and your new girlfriend consuming waffle tacos at Smorgasburg, buddy.) Is this immature? Maybe. But I’ve discovered that it’s one of the best ways for me to deal with the trauma of breakups. Perhaps sooner or later I’ll meet somebody I’m prepared to keep up a friendship with. Until then, I’ve obtained a full roster of buddies to hang around with who by no means broke my coronary heart.
After being raised on a gentle weight-reduction plan of Disney motion pictures, I anticipated to satisfy somebody and fall passionately in love — however wound up collapsing underneath the pressures of contemporary courting. Luckily, I finally realized that there is no “right” solution to date, and that I want to seek out happiness inside myself, no associate wanted. It’s Not You is the place I write to calm the voices in my head — and listen to from all of you. Follow me on Twitter, on Instagram, or e mail me at email@example.com.
Like what you see? How about some extra R29 goodness, proper right here?